Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
