my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
