it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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