Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
