Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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