So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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