Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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