Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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