I hate all girls vehemently.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
