I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
