you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
