I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
