Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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