last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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