M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
