I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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