My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
