and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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