You really coming over, don't trick.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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