'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
