You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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