At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
