Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
