sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
