from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
