I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
