i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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