I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
3 2 1 whiskey
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
