This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
