This house was built for laser tag.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
