home. puking in laundry basket.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
