better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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