I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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