This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
