you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
