Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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