I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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