if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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