I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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