Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
