how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
