Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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