Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
