Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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