found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Who died my cat blue again?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
