So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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