Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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