Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
