today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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