her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
