Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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