I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
