shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to