oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
