I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
