I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
