I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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