I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
