Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
