So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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