I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
if only i could text you this smell
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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