he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
